In Monday’s post on LinkedIn and Facebook, I talked about how to manage making the most out of disempowering situations, finding ways to transform issues or frustrations into something positive for us.
I mentioned my current living struggles, for which, daily, I try to learn from or use.
The idea being not to let overwhelming situations, or others needs and wants supersede ours.
Not an easy task, especially when dear ones are involved.
But boundaries, along with the ability to say “NO” to things we feel detrimental to our physical and emotional wellbeing, and ultimately productivity, are ESSENTIAL!
To learn to do that, we may need guidance and tips, because as we know, it can be challenging to make it real.
Why that is, I explained in previous posts but roughly, standing as guardians of our own sacred temples, requires a good amount of self-confidence and clarity.
Both should ideally be acquired from an early age, learning it from our parents’ own self-confidence and ability to set boundaries, but that’s rarely the case.
The problem being that, most of our parents and theirs before them (probably all the way to the beginning of our lineage!), DIDN’T function that way. I mean, boundaries are a pretty young and hip phenomenon. Many people still function by the belief that a Patriarch knows better. That’s the consequence of centuries of brainwashing.
Societal and family rules led by a strong patriarchy overrule the individual, which roughly means, forget your needs and desires. One person decides for all.
If we have outgrown this pattern a little bit today, with more people daring to follow and trust their instinct, we’re still carrying heavy luggage from this restrictive past and many parts of the world still function that way.
As a Solutions Whisperer, my desire is to provide clients with the means to thrive on their own. This means showing them how to free themselves from chains of limiting beliefs.
Indeed, with such a deeply rooted functioning pattern, many people limit themselves from breaking free, but rather live by fear they can’t even name. It’s a life coach’s duty to help clients realise that.
Bringing awareness to these limitations that often involve family loyalty and “proper” education, is crucial. Why should they have a role to play in our lives, especially if they contribute to our unhappiness, or worse to choices and decisions that please others’ expectations more than ours?
Don’t get me wrong…
As you know, I made the choice to go live with my eighty-nine years old sick mother, so I’m a good example of prioritising solidarity, BUT while I took this decision, I’m also very much aware of and working on my boundaries daily.
Every day I need to remind myself of:
– What I own in my family history and what I don’t.
– Tap into how I feel. Am I giving too much and pushing my limits or am I respecting myself enough?
– To which extent, am I being fair and respectful of my mother’s life and past?
– Am I being more loyal to her expectations or to my wellbeing and balance?
– How far am I willing to go, when on certain days, I have to give more?
– Am I expressing my needs and limits clearly to her?
These are just examples of things to be considered when trying to set respectful boundaries.
What you also need to keep an eye on and nurture is:
– Clarity with yourself
– Clarity in communication
Setting boundaries or saying “NO” scares a lot of us because of the fear of being rejected. It has to do with not trusting ourselves enough, which has to do with not having had a chance to build enough confidence as a child. It makes us seek external approval more than trying to understand where our lack of confidence comes from and fix it.
The consequences of not saying “NO” clearly or set healthy boundaries deprive ourselves of freedom of choice. It makes us approve by voluntary omission, often leaving us feeling frustrated and angry.
In an ideal world, saying “NO” comes from a place of self-confidence and total awareness. Only then, can boundaries be set with kindness, making them respected far more easily too. Let’s be reminded that it has nothing to do with being disrespectful or selfish, but rather responsible, brave and authentic.
There are so many more things to say about this popular topic.
I would love to hear about your experience with it and what kind of teachings you’ve gotten from it.
Please share if you wish!